Becoming Maura
by SashaElizabeth
Summary: She is missing even from herself in captivity. One person holds the key to bringing her back. One shot. Quite dark. Read, review, enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

Becoming Maura

AN: the characters do not belong to me but to Tess Gerritsen and TNT.

She doesn't know how long she's been in the basement with the newest apprentice but it is leeching the last bits of her identity from the marrow of her persona. Maura wakes, blinks and cries because another day has begun in a world devoid of light and being. He has come back and she barely feel his kicks or tastes the blood in her mouth as he goes about his daily routine of humiliating her. She is spared the most in humane act only due to a gunshot wound courtesy of one Jane Rizzoli took his function away. Otherwise she'd be his victim in every way possible. He settles instead for the bearings and rubbing his disgusting hands down her face like a farce of a lover caressing his paramour. Other times he makes tiny nicks in the skin of her neck to remind her that he could end it any time. Today he has pulled her joints slightly out of socket at the shoulder and hip, causing red hot pain to overtake her body.

Why hasn't Jane found her? Tears slide down Maura's cheeks, rewetting the dried blood there as she wonders if there is a future for her or if this dark prison will be her last home. She stares at the ceiling and wonders why her hair, normally silky and soft, clings to the floor until she remembers the blood there too. She opens her mouth, dry as her throat is and whispers into the darkness. "God," she pleads for the first time in her life, "please let Jane find me..."

And she does. Jane dispatches the captor and is cradling Maura in her arms as they wait for the ambulance to arrive. But now Maura is crying again and it gives voice to a dolorous wound far beneath the body, the fear that she may never remember how to be who she was again. Maura didn't lie in pools of iron red blood and beg for her life. She was strong, in control. Not broken. Nothing like this. Nothing.

In Jane's arms she whimpers and sobs. "I'm not Maura anymore. I can't be. Just look at all of this." Jane holds her tighter and kisses her tenderly on the forehead.

"Then I will guide you back," Jane promises. She wraps Maura tighter into her calming embrace.

Maura flinches when the paramedics look over her wounds and treat her but she cannot stand anyone touching her face except Jane. So it is Jane's hand that slides the mask over her face and Jane's hand that squeezes the bag delivering oxygen to her rib punctured lungs long past the end of her consciousness, despite the hurt in the scarred hands at performing such an action over the time it takes to bring the broken woman to the hospital.

It is Jane who sits by her bedside and steps safe from the awareness of Maura, given the coma that claims her from the waking world. Remembering Maura's few words in the moments before her eyes closed, Jane promises herself and her friend to teach her how to become Maura again. With tears in her eyes Jane vows to present her with tortoises and cobalt blue slingbacks and wash her hair for her until her ripped joints are healed enough to do it on her own. Nothing can steal her away forever, nothing.


	2. Chapter 2

Becoming Maura  
Chapter Two

AN: still does not belong to me but to Tess Gerritsen and TNT.

Two weeks later, Maura was released from the hospital with hesitation from the doctors given her refusal to speak a few words even to Jane. Her injuries had required multiple surgeries for her broken ribs, dislocated joints and head trauma. The only lasting effect was some blurry vision after the repeated blows to the head she'd suffered at the hands and feet of her captor.

Jane tried despairingly to get her friend to speak. "Maura, you know you can talk to me, don't you?" She bent low into Maura's field of vision, but received no response. Jane began to panic about Maura's vision, but her doctors responded with reassurance that the effect of the concussion would fade and most likely ought to have gone by that point in time. It was simply that she didn't want to look. She did not want to see the reaction of others to her brokenness.

_He overtook her in the parking garage, the blow to the back of her head so sudden that she could not fathom how she landed on the concrete so quickly while the world faded into a silent meaningless void. The next thing she knew, she was in the dark and it was taking away every part of her identity. Maura was in control but this person cowering in the darkness was humiliated, victimized._

"Maura? Can you hear me?" Jane noticed that her friend had zoned out again. How she wished Maura would share what had happened. However, speaking only one word at a time didn't leave much chance to find answers.

Yet Jane kept her promises. She provided her with everything that made her who she truly was in spite of what had occurred. There were the tortoise, the shoes, the expensive perfume and a nightly shampoo of Maura's honey blonde tresses. The first time Maura had attempted to bathe, she had become so exhausted that she fell asleep as soon as Jane had dried her hair and helped her to bed. It got better over time and Maura spoke a little more in quiet murmurs of thanks, lightening Jane's concerns by almost being herself as she talked in her normal way to Jane as they sat side by side on the green figured sofa in Maura's living room. It was safe and soothing to Maura for all the times they'd laughed or cried there, finding refuge in friendship and sometimes the solace of silence entwined with companionship.

Maura was deathly afraid of night and falling asleep, yet too shy to ask Jane to stay with her until the sun came up. But Jane understood wordlessly and curled up on the king sized bed across from her friend. Sooner or later Maura would enter the world of nightmares and Jane would quietly awaken her with soft words and reassuring promises. In time, it faded a bit, but was still present every single night.

In the middle of the night, Maura awakened to see her friend lying on the bed with her hands relaxed and posture unguarded. It was a position unusual for one who put effort out to strike others as invincible. Yet Maura knew better and found Jane all the stronger for her humanity and rare moments of vulnerability. Maura bit her lip as she regarded the scars on each hand. Rough pieces of skin upon each hand told of survival and ability to move through the imperfections of every new day. Jane was not broken. Yet she had suffered through something unimaginable. These scarred hands had both literally and figuratively infused life into Maura. If Jane wasn't broken, perhaps she wasn't either.

Perhaps the new day was good after all. One last glance at the olive skinned hands lying on the bed gave Maura the first moment of being herself since the attack. She would embrace the future.

The next morning, Maura wore the cobalt blue slingbacks and smiled to greet the day. She was herself again. And she knew it was due to her best friend.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three  
AN: the characters belong to Tess Gerritsen and TNT.

Jane awoke the next morning to a very different Maura. She was dressed in one of her favorite navy dresses and cobalt blue slingbacks, her hair styled in its usual waves. She gave Jane a quizzical look when the detective ambled into the kitchen where she was making coffee in the French press. "Good morning, Jane," she greeted her friend as if everything was normal. "I'm going back to work today."

Jane attempted to conceal her surprise, having heard nothing on the subject until this moment. She briefly thought of trying to go along with Maura's idea, but could not bring herself to do it. "Isn't this a bit soon, Maura? You haven't even told me what happened." Jane stared down at the floor, disappointed in the fact that Maura must not have enough trust in her to confide the details of her captivity. It was haunting her sleep every night, as Jane could attest to the many times she had to soothe Maura out of her frequent sobbing. But they did not talk about it.

"Time to move on," Maura explained between sips of coffee. "Enough has been lost already. And you helped me see that. I was noticing your hands last night, Jane. You've survived unspeakable trauma and progressed. I want to do that too."

"That's true," she explained. "It didn't occur overnight, though. Yesterday you barely said two words and were still sitting around in a t shirt and yoga pants and now today you're ready to take on the Paris runway again. What gives?"

Maura's eyes immediately filled with tears and she stormed out of the kitchen and slammed the door to her bedroom loud enough to make Bass jump. Jane instantly regretted her words and hurried to Maura's bedroom door. "Come on, Maura, I didn't mean to upset you. I'm sorry. Let me in, so we can talk."

"No, Jane." Maura sniffled behind the door. "You don't understand. I thought you'd be happy for me."

"How many of those pain pills do you still need to take each day for your ribs and joints?" Jane asked, hoping not to anger the doctor further. "You're not ready to go, you're hurting too much."

Maura winced without meaning to at the thought of how stiff and sore she continued to be even ten days after coming home. She knew Jane was right, but just didn't want to admit it. She reluctantly turned the doorknob and allowed Jane to enter the room. "I'm sorry, Jane," Maura started to cry and collapsed into Jane's arms. She held Maura and comforted her until the blonde calmed down a little.

"You're right. I'm not ready." Maura admitted, her defenses melted away by tears, agony of pain and sheer exhaustion. "But I wanted to be."

"I know," Jane said, leading Maura over to the bed. She was already tired out just from getting ready and did not argue with the idea of resting in the middle of the morning. Maura resolutely swallowed a pain pill and lay back down, giving into her body's need for sleep.

Jane tiptoed out of the room as soon as she was sure Maura was asleep and settled herself on the sofa to listen for any nightmares. It wasn't a question of if, but when, and she needed to be prepared to help her friend.


	4. Chapter 4

Becoming Maura

Chapter Four

AN: these characters are not mine but belong to Tess Gerritsen and TNT.

Maura's recurring nightmare did little to ease over the next few weeks. Jane was beside herself with how to help but she knew that anyone's recovery could not be rushed or pushed in any way. Heaven only knew how much her mother had tried in the wake of each Hoyt encounter and the kidnapping at the hands of Dominick Bianchi. No, Maura would need her own time to sort things out and Jane would be faithfully waiting for the time when her best friend was ready to talk. Jane prayed it would be soon because she hated to see Maura in such torment. Still Maura insisted on the semblance of a normal life. As soon as the physical pain had allowed, she had returned to work, but was a shell of her former self. The police officers whispered even more about her using her infamous behind the back nickname, The Queen Of The Dead. Suddenly, the warmth she had shown to the squad over the past couple years had disappeared and she was back to square one. She was reclusive and silent again.

However, one night, everything changed. It was around three in the morning and a fierce thunderstorm had jolted most of Boston wide awake, including Jane. As had become her habit, Jane refused to leave Maura due to the nightmares that still kept her crying in her sleep, unable in that hazy moment between dreams and wakefulness to distinguish what was real and what was imagined.

"No! Jane! Find me, please find me, Jane, please, please find me, Jane! I want to go home and there's just so much blood and I want to go home! Jane, please, take me away from here, please, please! Jane, where are you and why can't you hear me? Please? Jane?"

Jane sat upright in bed and immediately began moving very slowly toward her friend. "I'm here, Maura. It's just a dream. You are home. You are safe and I can hear you. Wake up, sweetheart. Come on, it's ok."

Maura slowly turned and looked at Jane through sleepy eyes. She then peeked around the room and seemed shocked to discover that she was in her own bedroom and there was no blood anywhere. She was safe, but felt anything other than that. "Jane?" Maura asked in a small voice, still somewhat disoriented. "Are you really here? I don't see any blood." She gingerly touched the back of her head and drew her hand away to examine it. No blood.

Jane pulled her into a protective embrace. "There's no blood. Not anymore. You're all right and I have you." She held the shaking blonde closer. Maura sniffled and buried her head in Jane's arms. "There was so much blood. Mine. They hit me over the head in the parking garage and next thing I knew I was in a place with no light and just my blood everywhere and I wasn't even me anymore. I felt so helpless and terrified when my captor would kick me until I couldn't breathe or move. He was one of Hoyt's apprentices, Jane. He wanted me dead. And he would have done worse to me if it hadn't been the apprentice you shot..."

"In the..." Jane alluded.

"Right," Maura said. "He couldn't do that, but he did everything else to humiliate me and keep me from feeling human. Then he held a scalpel to my throat to remind me with his daily cuts that he could kill me if he wished to at any moment. My life like have ended and I would have never seen you or anyone else. The cuts he made were surface, but as they pieced together, I was reminded that he could go much deeper. And take me away from everything. Myself. You. The world. Life. The future. Anything good or purposeful or noble." Maura sobbed harder but Jane kept her protected and whispered comfort into her ear as she relived the worst moments of her life. It wasn't easy, but Jane knew this was a necessary step for healing. The darkness had to be brought to light in order for that metaphorical sun to melt away the ice.


	5. Chapter 5

Thank you to all who have read and favorited this as it developed. I especially thank my little sister for encouraging me in writing again. It is so nice to know others enjoy what comes into my mind often at three in the morning! 3

As usual, the characters belong to Tess Gerritsen and TNT.

Epilogue

The light continued to dawn more day by day, but Maura found that becoming herself again was not something of lightning haste in one decision on any particular morning, but instead gradual shades of change. Some days she thought about what had happened and others it barely bothered her mind. It was as if telling her best friend had given her mind and emotions the permission they needed in order to let go for good this time. Although Maura eventually bore no physical scars from that period in her life, she still viewed herself among those who had survived and had been irrevocably changed by the hurt. She was one who allowed themselves to transform into something newer and heartier by the experience. And so looking at herself in the mirror, not in the tangible realm but the inner one in which strength is housed, Maura could see an evolution. It lie mainly in her eyes because she now had the bearing of a woman who refused to be intimidated by the harshest circumstance. She knew the sun will emerge at the end. It had the moment she had talked to Jane in her most vulnerable moment. Letting people in was the secret to reaching the healing after the pain. And that was the real secret to becoming Maura.


End file.
